Ramble on
by Hjalmar
Summary: Sam at Stanford struggling with being away from his family. Pre-series.


**Ramble on **by Hjalmar

**Disclaimer: I own nothing at all**

**I owe all my thanks to my wonderful Beeta Lady Greensleeves. Thank you, thank you, thanks you!**

-OoO-

College is fun.

College is educating and a place to get friends.

It's the only thing running through Sam's head first day at college while he's trying to find the place he's supposed to be at in ten minutes.

But the truth is, despite all things he's hunted, of all the things Sam's seen, nothing has been as scary as leaving his family behind.

Stanford is wonderful and Sam just stands there, looking at all the buildings and the people, not quite believing he's actually succeeded.

Sam is happy – he is, and it's a relief to be rid of the hunting life.

He knows however, although he tries not to think about it, that he misses it. At least a bit.

-OoO-

He finds himself at home pretty quickly; it's just like another motel room. His roommate seems to find it a bit more difficult, trying to get all of his stuff into the wardrobe. Sam's belongings don't even fill half of his space, his duffel bag safely tucked away under his bed with some things he wishes no one ever sees. He might have given up hunting forever but he'd like to be prepared if any of the school's ancient ghost shows up in his room.

Rob, his roommate, is lucky Sam spent some time alone in a motel room before he moved to the college dorm. He's been too used to having Dean in a bed right next to him and those first weeks were hard. Trying to get some sleep without his brother's sounds somewhere close to him wasn't easy. Once it had been annoying hearing Dean's snoring; now it took quite a while to learn to sleep without it. Waking up in the middle of the night looking for his brother has stopped.

However, he finds himself reaching for a non-existing gun by his bedside a few times, hearing the unfamiliar breaths and footsteps of his roommate before realizing who it is.

-oOo-

There are all sorts of people living at campus and Sam makes a bigger effort than ever to actually get to know some of them. Before, he always knew he had to leave whichever school he was attending within a certain amount of time but at Stanford – he knows he's there to stay.

It's not easy, though. Having lied to everyone your entire life makes it a bit hard to talk to people about the truth when they ask him where he's from, what interests he got or about his family. He has to go through what he can say and what he can't say and considering, he manages pretty well.

He becomes friend with Rob quickly and through him he meets others. They drag him out to a bar, tells him he needs to get out a bit more, socialize and have fun. Studying can wait. Sam agrees and follows them to a shabby bar a few blocks away. He sits quietly, nervously eating peanuts and sipping from a beer while the others gossip about the latest news. He tries not to care when he hears "Ramble on" playing in the background.

When the third song in a row from Dean's "soundtrack" starts he has to excuse himself to the bathroom for seven whole minutes and try to calm himself down pretending he doesn't need Dean as much as he does. As he comes out again they ask him if he's okay and he smiles and tells them he probably shouldn't eat any more of the peanuts.

A new song is playing, one he doesn't recognise. His friends laugh and Sam feels himself laughing with them and enjoying his time, even though he knows that the ache in his stomach has nothing whatsoever to do with peanuts.

-oOo-

It takes a while before he gets drunk the first time. At least if you compare to the others.

It's November 2 and Sam got all the rights in the world to get drunk. Their mother died that day, and it started the revenging road trip that became his life. It's a day when Dean used to be distant but stay close to Sam, laying in the bed next to Sam reading out loud from an old car magazine while their dad was drowning his sorrow whether by drinking or killing paranormal creatures.

Rob makes Sam go out with them to celebrate someone's birthday. Sam's not really in the mood, he knows perfectly well what day it is and just wants to go to bed miserable.

After the first shot, he wonders what Dean's doing.

After the second shot, he remembers how much he misses him.

By the third, he realize he miss his dad almost as much.

It hadn't been fun at all like Rob had promised, Sam thinks, head by the toilet and the bitter taste of vomit in his mouth next morning. It hadn't lasted long either. Sam had never been good holding his liquor down and Rob had taken him home pretty quickly, or at least that what he says in between Sam's retching. Sam doesn't really remember much, it's all a bit too fuzzy. He does remember however, that for a few seconds he didn't think about mom, dad or Dean at all. But that might have been when he threw up over the hot bartender – the first time.

And he never had the time to dial Dean's number on the phone in his hand before she hit him.

-oOo-

It's a beautiful day when Sam meets her for the first time. He's sitting on a bench outside, reading a book, when she flops down on the seat next to him trying to find something in her bag. He looks up and she smiles at him telling him he should get back in, class will start soon. When he looks confused she introduces herself as Jessica and tells him they're in the same class. Sam realises he must have been way too engrossed in the lessons to notice her.

He meets her again a week later while eating lunch. She sits down at his table and he smiles shyly at her, removing some of his books and papers to give her some more room. He feels like he's back in high school when Jane started talking to him by his locker and he dropped his entire eleven paged history essay all over the floor. This time, however, he doesn't have Dean at the other side of the room doing thumbs up.

She starts talking to him, about class, college, the latest movie she saw and about her dead dog Larry. Sam feels himself doing pretty good; possibly even better, without an embarrassing, encouraging Dean.

It doesn't take long until they're together. Jessica is wonderful, Sam thinks. The way she laugh, the way she smiles and the way she talks to him.

When he's spending time with her he's happy and it's only when she leaves he finds himself thinking about his father and Dean. He wonders what they're doing, if they're okay and what they're hunting. He can only hope someone would contact him if one of them got badly hurt. Or worse.

Most of all he's longing to hear his brother's voice, mocking him about something or telling him some dirty joke.

-oOo-

When a friend of his drives them to another state for a concert, Sam finds himself uncomfortable in the luxurious car. The trip takes longer then expected and they have to stay by the road for the night. Sam tells his friends he'd rather continue driving but they tell him it's only for a night and not be a wuzz about staying at a motel.

And it doesn't get any better when he remembers the place they're staying on.

At first he thinks it's only the feeling of being at a motel. Jessica asks him of he's okay when they're checking in and he tells her he's fine while ignoring his own pale reflection in the mirror behind the clerks desk. It's when they're walking into the room it comes back to him. He can clearly see Dean on the orange and purple coloured bedcover bleeding heavily from the arm while telling a terrified fourteen year old Sam it's just a scratch.

Seeing Sam vomiting right in the flower border makes the others change their minds. They're at their destination only three hours later.

-oOo-

In May it's Sam's birthday and he doesn't really want to celebrate. He agrees on dinner with Jess and a couple of beers with their friends at the dorm.

Somewhere around eleven he gets a drunken call from Dean. Sam closes his eyes and listens as Dean wishes him a slurry Happy Birthday and tells him a bad joke that makes no sense at all. When Dean starts cursing and telling Sam to come home because he's missing him too damn much and it's not fucking working without him, Sam hangs up and tries to smile reassuringly at his friends who undoubtedly heard his brothers angry voice. Jessica puts her arm around him while the others give him curios looks and he feels trapped. He bolts out the door and leans against the wall for a few minutes breathing hard before walking back.

Sam wishes he had said something. He knows Dean was too wasted to ever remember even making the call, but it might have made them both feel a little bit better.

-oOo-

Time passes quickly somehow. He never liked moving around but he thought it would be harder then it is to stay at the same place. School's busy and he's working extra between studying and meeting Jess, which make it all easier.

The woman at the grocery store knows his name and the guy at the newspaper stand knows exactly which one Sam wants. It's weird. His whole life has been about melting in with the crowd and avoid drawing attention to himself. Suddenly it's not that important.

One day he falls in the stairs. It's late and no one sees it and the next morning Sam has a lovely stair-shaped bruise on his back. When his shirt accidentally slips up while he's picking up some books in class and his friends notice, it takes a few seconds before Sam realize he doesn't have to be freaked out by the fact that they saw it. No one will call social services; he's way too old for that.

-oOo-

Sam doesn't want to talk about his family. He has learned to distance himself from them, it was another life. In this life he is happy, living with Jess, the most wonderful girl ever. She knows his family is a touchy subject and she hasn't heard much. There's a picture of his parents in the apartment and he has told her a bit about Dean, but that's all.

Jessica's family is very nice and although it feels a bit strange being involved in the apple-pie life when they're visiting he gets more and more used to it.

He wants to study law and tries not to think about credit-card scams, that he could drive when he was twelve, the fact that he knew how to shoot when he was nine, the number of break-ins he's done, cars he's stolen or the countless graves he illegally dug up in the middle of the night. Slowly, he adjusts to his new life. His future is with Jess and to become a lawyer. Maybe get some kids and a house, and most importantly, be safe.

While Sam might never be fully "normal", the way he's always on the look out - even in sleep, and his hidden extra guns and crucifix in the closet, he thinks it will work out really well. If he ignores the fact that two persons in his life aren't there anymore, Sam is actually happy.

**Well, this is my very first fanfiction. It is also not my first language. So, sorry for any mistakes.**

**Thanks for reading!**


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